I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
