Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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