i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
