Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
