o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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