make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
