my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize