About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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