We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Still dying that you shit outside
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
