My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
