Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
