it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
