Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
