I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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