I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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