mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
