I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Randomize
