No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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