please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
