I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
