Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
