We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
