I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
