I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
