yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
