You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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