I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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