I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
