i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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