If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
