I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
