the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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