God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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