so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
