guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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