I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
