May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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