I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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