I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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