I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
