I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
