we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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