Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
