it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
