I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
