I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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