dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
