i think i have two assholes
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
