I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
