I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
