How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
