my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
how drunk are you?
Several
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
