I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
