I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my sisters under your porch take her home
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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