I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
