I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
