I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
